The library is cold, very cold. Outside the weather is chilling and that really just makes the air conditioner next to nothing but a freezer. I sit inside on a desk surrounded by Tai, Chong, Foo, Eng and Hzien. I had organized a study group with them and they willingly accepted the offer to my teachings. They look at me as I lay my books on the desk, and so do they. ' Well then, ' I say, ' sejarah be our appetizer for this meal?' They agree and we begin.
I start to teach without any disturbances, they listen and nod their heads and occasionally ask questions to what I have taught. Eng wasn't really fond towards the english language, so I'm having a rather hard time trying to make him understand what I'm teaching. Luckily for me, Foo is here and he translates my words into chinese for Eng's convenience. There are laughs from time to time and we try to force ourselves to be serious, but we got out of hand and crap all around.
Its really great to be here, the STATE LIBRARY. I have some great memories about this place, it lingers in my mind as a sanctuary for me, a place where I can escape from myself, my pain and my guilt. Here people treat me nicely, they treat me as if I'm an invaluable artifact, a page from a lost manuscript that everyone's been dying to search for.
Why? Because of what I'm doing now, I teach.
' Jack looks sad,' Chong tilts his head as he looks at me. Foo intercepts, ' Mew Car's not coming, that's why-'. He looks at me, I look at him. '-I'll keep quiet now.' We all laugh. Its not that I am sad, I just don't look happy when I'm not sad. Mew Car's just one of the things on the list I'm trying to get over, the next was being all so emo and the third constant complaining and whining over my life.
There are a number of library attendees sitting in groups of their own, the ones that I see mostly don't really look like they came for educational or referential purposes. A bunch of students sit opposite where I am, as the lesson goes on I lift my head to peep occasionally and see the boys flirting with the girls. They are in clean and rather tidy uniforms, dressing to impress the girls than to accommodate with the school's preferences. They catch me, but they don't seem bothered and I just lower my head down and continue to teach.
I finish the chapter in about 45 minutes and we all fall on the table, mentally exhausted by the fact we've rushed through something that was taught in a period of a month by our school teachers. ' I have come up with a conclusion,' Hzien raises his hand with his face on the table, ' sejarah are for damn morons who never heard of television.' I sit up and look at the clock hanging on the opposite wall, 3.40. We've been here for an hour and did our studies, a milestone compared to what I'll be doing back home.
' I hate sejarah. ' Tai mumbles, I can barely make up what else he is saying. Foo rests his head on Eng's shoulder, they would look like the perfect couple if heterosexuality wasn't forbidden in this country.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Life In Technicolour
The floor is hard and my butt hurts as I sit with my legs crossed to my stomach, my back against the rectangular science desk. Chong and Tai sit in awkward posses beside me, we are concealed from everyone beyond the last desk by the desk's height. The teacher is going on about the periodic table , pockets of students scattered at every desk either listening or hindering the teacher's lesson. ' Loo, tai sui ar lei ( keep an eye out for us),' both Chong and I say to Loo who was sitting on a stool above us.
' Well we all would be failing our Chesmistry anyway,' Chong laughs, ' a good way to be spending our last days sitting here and completely wasting our asses off.' I smile and nod, Tai makes a funny face and the three of us laugh. I stop to think for awhile, again my emonism kicks in.
Wow, I actually DO have friends. All this time, they were always there for me, I never knew, never realized. I look at Tai, and then look at Chong. I cried to both of them for a few times since my seating in class was moved to to the back and became friends with them. I told them about my family, my drinking problem, my love interest not liking me back, everything. They listened, they comforted me, I realize this now.
' Shit man, you know Ian right?' Chong suddenly says. ' Yeah,' I answer. ' What about him?' Chong makes an angry gesture, shaking both fist in the air as he were knocking on something. ' That bastard's been hitting on my girlfriend.'. ' He calls and flirts with her,' he tells me, ' I'd punch the living shit out of that guy.' Tai minds his business as the both of us talk about Ian. Ian was this guy at the fifth class, some cunning and deliberate so-called 'ladies man'. Well, actually wasn't all good with the ladies. He once asked me for girls' numbers, even went to the point as of which he peep on my phone contacts and just took it. Piece of crap.
We talk on the matter for a while until I bring up Mew Car, out of no reason. ' I just can't get her to feel the same way I do,' I sigh, ' its like everything I do make the situation worse than it already is.' Chong gives me a smile and says, ' Maybe she isn't the one for you.' ' Yeah man,' Tai adds in, ' there are many fishes in the ocean, don't save a tree and burn the forest down.' I try not to look at them, try not to let them convince me into giving in. I really do love her, a lot, and I wasn't going to give it up because of some old idiom.
' Well we all would be failing our Chesmistry anyway,' Chong laughs, ' a good way to be spending our last days sitting here and completely wasting our asses off.' I smile and nod, Tai makes a funny face and the three of us laugh. I stop to think for awhile, again my emonism kicks in.
Wow, I actually DO have friends. All this time, they were always there for me, I never knew, never realized. I look at Tai, and then look at Chong. I cried to both of them for a few times since my seating in class was moved to to the back and became friends with them. I told them about my family, my drinking problem, my love interest not liking me back, everything. They listened, they comforted me, I realize this now.
' Shit man, you know Ian right?' Chong suddenly says. ' Yeah,' I answer. ' What about him?' Chong makes an angry gesture, shaking both fist in the air as he were knocking on something. ' That bastard's been hitting on my girlfriend.'. ' He calls and flirts with her,' he tells me, ' I'd punch the living shit out of that guy.' Tai minds his business as the both of us talk about Ian. Ian was this guy at the fifth class, some cunning and deliberate so-called 'ladies man'. Well, actually wasn't all good with the ladies. He once asked me for girls' numbers, even went to the point as of which he peep on my phone contacts and just took it. Piece of crap.
We talk on the matter for a while until I bring up Mew Car, out of no reason. ' I just can't get her to feel the same way I do,' I sigh, ' its like everything I do make the situation worse than it already is.' Chong gives me a smile and says, ' Maybe she isn't the one for you.' ' Yeah man,' Tai adds in, ' there are many fishes in the ocean, don't save a tree and burn the forest down.' I try not to look at them, try not to let them convince me into giving in. I really do love her, a lot, and I wasn't going to give it up because of some old idiom.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Change
' X is equals to 5 if Y is equals to.....'
Mr. Anthanran writes on the board with a piece of white chalk, 'Jack, would you be so kind as to solve this for us?' he eyes me with a grin.
I snap out of my bewildered thoughts. Damn, I stood up from my seat and make my way to the black board. He hands me the chalk, I bet he thinks that I won't be able to solve this. Lucky me, I'm the only one that can solve this, or so I thought.
I gape at the flat board and ponder for a while as the rest of the class look on. I start to write, slowly and crave the answers leaving a white residue.
Suddenly, I stop and turn around,' I don't know how to do this.' I place the chalk on the teacher's desk and head back to my seat. ' Does anyone else know how to do this?' Mr. Anthanran asks. Everyone stares at him as if he was speaking in some foreign language. He smiles but we all know that he is disappointed, and faces the black board to finish off where I left off.
So sudden, everything we seize to know changes in front of our very eyes. Its sickening, revolting and I hate it when that happens. I am pitifully subject to it, and the thought of it frightens me down to the core. We won't leave you they say, but in the end, don't they all?
Friends, what makes you a friend?
I don't know, I thought if you gave your heart to them, sacrificed for them, you're a friend.
I was wrong, I was- AM a tool, not a friend, just a god damn tool for use.
' Why didn't you finish it lah?' Choong asks me as I decline towards my chair. I look at him, ' I don't know how to do it, okay?' He doesn't make a sound and nods silently. I assume he knows I'm not in a good mood. The lesson goes on as usual, the bell rings, the teacher leaves, the silence breaks and the class turns into a chamber of noise.
I sit on my desk, the thoughts come rolling in like a tidal wave. I lean back on the chair and look around to try to clear my head of lucid imagery. Groups, split and divided around the whole class. Football fanatics below the first ceiling fan, popular gang over by the seat next to the door, nerds right in front of the teacher's desk. There is nothing in common over by everyone's dispute, though everyone wants something. It is the same something that runs over everyone's mind, something I had.
'Jack, do me a favor will ya'?' I hear someone calling me. I turn to see Tan looking at me, his hands holding a pen and a paper. 'I don't know how to do this, show me?' he places the writing utensils on the table and leans over as if he were an ostrich. I hold the pencil, glance the question and start to write the answer down. I finish it, he picks up what he brought and leaves. 'Thanks.' is all he says.
Mr. Anthanran writes on the board with a piece of white chalk, 'Jack, would you be so kind as to solve this for us?' he eyes me with a grin.
I snap out of my bewildered thoughts. Damn, I stood up from my seat and make my way to the black board. He hands me the chalk, I bet he thinks that I won't be able to solve this. Lucky me, I'm the only one that can solve this, or so I thought.
I gape at the flat board and ponder for a while as the rest of the class look on. I start to write, slowly and crave the answers leaving a white residue.
Suddenly, I stop and turn around,' I don't know how to do this.' I place the chalk on the teacher's desk and head back to my seat. ' Does anyone else know how to do this?' Mr. Anthanran asks. Everyone stares at him as if he was speaking in some foreign language. He smiles but we all know that he is disappointed, and faces the black board to finish off where I left off.
So sudden, everything we seize to know changes in front of our very eyes. Its sickening, revolting and I hate it when that happens. I am pitifully subject to it, and the thought of it frightens me down to the core. We won't leave you they say, but in the end, don't they all?
Friends, what makes you a friend?
I don't know, I thought if you gave your heart to them, sacrificed for them, you're a friend.
I was wrong, I was- AM a tool, not a friend, just a god damn tool for use.
' Why didn't you finish it lah?' Choong asks me as I decline towards my chair. I look at him, ' I don't know how to do it, okay?' He doesn't make a sound and nods silently. I assume he knows I'm not in a good mood. The lesson goes on as usual, the bell rings, the teacher leaves, the silence breaks and the class turns into a chamber of noise.
I sit on my desk, the thoughts come rolling in like a tidal wave. I lean back on the chair and look around to try to clear my head of lucid imagery. Groups, split and divided around the whole class. Football fanatics below the first ceiling fan, popular gang over by the seat next to the door, nerds right in front of the teacher's desk. There is nothing in common over by everyone's dispute, though everyone wants something. It is the same something that runs over everyone's mind, something I had.
'Jack, do me a favor will ya'?' I hear someone calling me. I turn to see Tan looking at me, his hands holding a pen and a paper. 'I don't know how to do this, show me?' he places the writing utensils on the table and leans over as if he were an ostrich. I hold the pencil, glance the question and start to write the answer down. I finish it, he picks up what he brought and leaves. 'Thanks.' is all he says.
Broken - A Prologue
It is raining quite heavily, the down-pour started about an hour ago yet it seizes to even calm itself down. I look out of the window and see drops of rain fall from the dark clouds, a boom of thunder strikes without warning and I jump. Silly me.
Its cold even from the insides of my house, the chilling winds brought itself into the openings of the windows and blew on me. I sit on my bed as the storm went on, another thunder struck but this time I was prepared. The rain sounds like beads of sands descending onto an aluminum foil, nerve-wrecking but still I found it some what mesmerizing.
I could go on about describing the rain but that wouldn't be fun, would it? Guessed so.
My name is Jack, I'm a student studying in Kin Xin High School in Malaysia, positioned at the third class, student number 281/07. I'm 16 this year and at Form 4, life isn't really such a charming go-lucky tale as anyone would easily guess. I'm not a looker to be fair, highly unstable emotional state of self and on and off liquor consumer. I don't have many friends, my family is literally non-existent and I'm smart.
Yes, I am smart. On school curricular syllabus to be exact. I have a ranking of 7th during my last school exam even after I failed my chinese. Its considered so, I guess.
Though, life wasn't always as low as this point in my life, it wasn't until my life just flunked on me like a train wreck.
No, life was happy, free and just plain enjoyable. WAS.
My love life wasn't all that interesting too, I like this girl, Chen Mew Kar who I have told her my feelings but got rejected, twice.
I turn to look at the guitar sitting by the wall and crawl over to pick it up. I stare at it for a while, if only I could denote my heart as a tune and play it out for you. Not soon after I found myself strumming and plucking the strings of the guitar to a song. A tear rolls down my eye and hits the fret board of the guitar, I bother this not and continue my melodic practice.
On days like this, I just fill my time as I would now, guitar, computer, lifeless acts of self entertainment until it was time to return to school, on Monday. I remember the days of which I could open the door and smell the misty cool air of a mountain side and walk out to see a happy sight of clouds and rolling green hills.
No more, it doesn't exist anymore.
One by one tears start to slide down my cheeks, on to the guitar, floor, bed. I break down into tears and flung the guitar away. I kick and punch wildly, my bed feeling the wrath of each blow. I fall back on to the bed and cry.
All I want is a life of happiness, yet my pursuit for it seems so futile, so unfair. As if I were a working labor wanting a raise when I wasn't even provided income.
The sound of the rain hit softer and softer. As the storm subsided and the night grew older, my tears fall increasingly.
Its cold even from the insides of my house, the chilling winds brought itself into the openings of the windows and blew on me. I sit on my bed as the storm went on, another thunder struck but this time I was prepared. The rain sounds like beads of sands descending onto an aluminum foil, nerve-wrecking but still I found it some what mesmerizing.
I could go on about describing the rain but that wouldn't be fun, would it? Guessed so.
My name is Jack, I'm a student studying in Kin Xin High School in Malaysia, positioned at the third class, student number 281/07. I'm 16 this year and at Form 4, life isn't really such a charming go-lucky tale as anyone would easily guess. I'm not a looker to be fair, highly unstable emotional state of self and on and off liquor consumer. I don't have many friends, my family is literally non-existent and I'm smart.
Yes, I am smart. On school curricular syllabus to be exact. I have a ranking of 7th during my last school exam even after I failed my chinese. Its considered so, I guess.
Though, life wasn't always as low as this point in my life, it wasn't until my life just flunked on me like a train wreck.
No, life was happy, free and just plain enjoyable. WAS.
My love life wasn't all that interesting too, I like this girl, Chen Mew Kar who I have told her my feelings but got rejected, twice.
I turn to look at the guitar sitting by the wall and crawl over to pick it up. I stare at it for a while, if only I could denote my heart as a tune and play it out for you. Not soon after I found myself strumming and plucking the strings of the guitar to a song. A tear rolls down my eye and hits the fret board of the guitar, I bother this not and continue my melodic practice.
On days like this, I just fill my time as I would now, guitar, computer, lifeless acts of self entertainment until it was time to return to school, on Monday. I remember the days of which I could open the door and smell the misty cool air of a mountain side and walk out to see a happy sight of clouds and rolling green hills.
No more, it doesn't exist anymore.
One by one tears start to slide down my cheeks, on to the guitar, floor, bed. I break down into tears and flung the guitar away. I kick and punch wildly, my bed feeling the wrath of each blow. I fall back on to the bed and cry.
All I want is a life of happiness, yet my pursuit for it seems so futile, so unfair. As if I were a working labor wanting a raise when I wasn't even provided income.
The sound of the rain hit softer and softer. As the storm subsided and the night grew older, my tears fall increasingly.
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